I Had Something to Say and Change Was Possible

I’ve been through some tough things as most of us have but I no longer look at those tough things as bad. Those life situations taught me so much and without having gone through them, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I definitely wouldn’t have the confidence to sit and write blog posts and talk about my life. My story is my gift to share with the world in the hopes that I inspire others to take back their power, learn to love themselves and create the life they want to live.

This morning, I was answering a few comments on TikTok and for the most part, the comments were very kind…but, there were a few that stung. People assume things about you by the way you look and present yourself on social media. They don’t know the backstory about my life and they assume that because I’m thin and love fashion that I am somehow arrogant and not spiritual. People also think I’m tall which is hysterical to me because I’m barely 5’4”! Again, assumptions based on nothing!

The truth about me is that it took me almost my whole life up until probably 4 years ago to really find my confidence and I continue to work daily to become more of who I was put here to be and let go of old tired thoughts about myself that no longer serve me. We all have deep rooted insecurities and things that happened in our past that we need to release and that is…in a nutshell, the work.

I was born into a conservative home in a time when the world was changing (I’m sure, much like you). My parents were far from people who were trying to embrace a new way of thinking. My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic and my dad’s mother, so I’ve been told was agoraphobic. So…there you go, instant baggage for me. For the most part, people parent to the best of their ability, but we bring our perceptions of life and who we are to the task which doesn’t always work out so well. Long story short, there were lots of rules in our home and my dad was a believer in enforcing them. As time went on, I was convinced that I could never do anything right and stopped trying. By the time I was in middle school, I was pretty rebellious, had no self confidence and was on a fast track to getting into a lot of trouble. By the time I was in 9th grade, I had a boyfriend who was on the same track and he ended up being my first husband. We were both 19. Marriage as you can probably guess was hard. He had some substance abuse issues and was never home, I worked at a job that I hated and we had no money. I began to develop an eating disorder and at one point weighed 89 pounds. I was anorexic and bulimic, but somehow still managed to get pregnant. My oldest daughter was born after we had been married for almost 4 years and we were divorced after 7 years. I knew I was very unhappy but didn’t really have much of a plan.

During the time my daughter was little, I started a catering business, inspired by Martha Stewart! I love her to this day because she showed me that life could be more than what I had always known. I read every magazine, made as many of her recipes as I could and dreamed of living a life like Martha!

I was working very hard at that time, sometimes not going to bed at all and barely keeping my head above water.

One thing that has been a constant in my life has been exercise. I did aerobics and even taught a few classes every week for a while. While at the gym one day, I met my next husband to be. He was 2 years younger than me and had a good job. He was good looking and fit and together, we looked like an amazing couple. There was something about him that I was very drawn to, but there were also times when he treated me in ways that I knew weren’t right. The security of marriage and being in a relationship was too good to pass up and we got married. I thought things would be fine and even though from the outside looking in, we looked like the perfect couple, on the inside, things were not good.

Fast forward…we had two more daughters and I became very busy. We were trying to pay for private school for 3 children (I was still working myself to death catering), he was traveling and I could hardly hold it together. We fought…a lot!

In between all of this, there were some good times and maybe that’s what held us together. I think we always loved each other…we just didn’t love ourselves. It’s really hard to hold a relationship together when you’re bringing so much baggage to the table.

When I say we were together for 25 years before things came crashing down, it truly blows my mind. After 25 years of marriage, I found out that he was having an affair and as you can imagine, things went from bad to worse. I had no idea how to navigate the emotions that came with this and I literally fell apart. I handled everything so poorly and we were apart and back together more times than I can count. After about 4 years of this, something happened and I think he saw he was about to loose his children and also, me. Things began to turn around slightly, but I was so bitter and angry that we continued to fight. I expected him to prove to me that he was committed and I watched everything he did and analyzed every word that came out of his mouth. He had no idea how to share his feelings and he didn’t know what to do with his anger.

Finally, I had enough…I knew that I could not live in this way any longer and I dropped to my knees in my bathroom and prayed for things to change. What I didn’t realize at the time, was that the change had to come from me AND that the affair had nothing to do with me. It affected me certainly, but what he did was about him and his insecurities.

Gradually, I started searching for answers by reading self help books, and listening to free Youtube videos and podcasts. I was reading about self love and Law of Attraction, letting go of the past, mindfulness, living in the moment…it was a lot, but gradually, it began to make sense.

Self love doesn’t happen over night and life doesn’t change in a single instant, but it only takes a spark. A spark of inspiration, a glimpse of what life could be like, seeing evidence in others that things can change and happiness is possible.

During this time, I found blogs…other people’s blogs. I was fascinated at what these mostly young girls were putting out into the world. Fashion, advice, food, decor…it seemed like they were having so much fun and I was in serious need of fun. I decided to start a blog and call it Crazy Blonde Life and one day, I did it. My entire first blog post was a quote from Goethe…

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it; Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

I somehow knew, even though things were still really bad, that I had a dream, I had something to say and that change was possible. And now…I’m proof that it’s all true!

Fast forward once again…almost 7 years later, I am happy, confident, strong and still moving forward toward my ever evolving dreams. I have become the evidence that others were to me so long ago. I have become evidence that inside of everyone lies enormous power. I believe that the Universe (God) always conspires for us and that I am here today, writing this post because of the blessing of all I’ve been through. Life is not ever going to be easy, but it can be good. It’s all how we respond based on what’s inside of us. I now feel at peace with myself and know my worth. My responses to life situations, for the most part, come from that place as opposed to how I would have responded when I felt worthless, angry, bitter and insecure. It’s all about what’s in the cup!

I also believe that there is so much more for me…and that my dreams are big, but God has plans for me that I am not even capable of dreaming. So…let’s get this party started! I’m ready, willing and available!

In tomorrow’s post, I’ll go deeper into what I’ve learned and how it helped me come out of a dark place! Thank you so much for reading today….I hope this post serves you in some way! As always, I would love to know your thoughts if you want to share in the comments. This post wasn’t easy to write because I’m sharing really personal things about myself and my family, but I’m sharing because I know 100% that other women can relate to so much of what I’ve written. Finding happiness starts on the inside…let’s start this amazing Journey of Becoming together as I continue to share more of my story and what I’ve learned along the way!